


Marry Tom, Kill Tom

by KZDipped



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Shipping, This is a joke stemming from a rp a friend and I did, Tord is slightly crazy, again it's a joke, gun - Freeform, just a bit perhaps, self-shipping - Freeform, take it with a grain of salt XD, there could be a second part if you all wanted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KZDipped/pseuds/KZDipped
Summary: Tord and Paul discuss wedding arrangements and how to kill someone who just can't seem to die.  Like seriously, what's wrong with him?





	

**Author's Note:**

> A friend and I role played this, and as a joke I wrote it up as a story. Please enjoy (because we sure did.)

Paul typed a few more words, before ending the sentence with a period. He was taking notes of Tord’s plans for the months for later reference, as these seemed to change every few hours and it was easier to keep track of this way. “Alright sir, I think that pretty much covers most of the issues. Just one more thing…” 

Tord looked up from where he was lounging on the sofa in his office, throwing a small handgun up into the air before catching it again. “What now?” 

“Well… What are we gonna do about Tom?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“He’s becoming more of a problem, he seems to seriously have some kind of personal vendetta against you. He almost made it into the base last week, I think it’s time we come up with some kind of plan to stop him.” 

“Hmmmmm…. Alright.” Tord threw the gun up several more times, then stopped, suddenly serious. “I’ve got it.” 

“Yes?” 

“I’m gonna marry Tom.” 

“Alr- Sir, what?” Paul looked up from his laptop in shock. “I thought you hated him.” 

“Oh.” Tord paused. “Nope, I love him.” 

“Since when?” 

“Since always, I only just realized it.” 

“But you two have tried to kill each other multiple times. Like seriously, a lot.” 

“I just display affection through aggression I guess.” Tord paused, murmuring under his breath, “I love Tom.” 

“But… what purpose does that serve?!” 

“What do you mean?” Tord looked up innocently. 

Paul ran a hand through his hair in frustration, trying hard not to laugh. “I’m not going to stop you if you actually want to do this, but how does this solve the problem? I’m pretty sure that would just make it easier for him to hurt you.” 

“He wouldn’t hurt me, he loves me!” 

“No, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.” 

“Oh.” Tord thought about it for a moment. “That’s rude of him.” 

“So, what are you gonna do about that?” 

“We’ll kill him.” 

“You just said you wanted to marry him.” 

Tord stopped, letting the gun fall to the floor. “Oh. Right.” 

“So…?” 

“So… Alright, I’ve got it. I’ll marry Tom, so that he’ll sign over all his property to me, then I’ll kill him.” 

“I mean…” Paul sighed. “I don’t really see how that makes more sense, we don’t exactly need anything he has. Doesn’t he live in an apartment? That honestly wouldn’t help us at all.” 

“Well… IT’S WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO OKAY PAUL?” Tord glared at his subordinate. “I’m in charge, that’s the plan.” 

“Fine. But don’t you think you should let Tom know he’s getting married?” 

“…Oh yeah.” Tord sat up and pulled out his phone, pulling up contact info. How Tord got Tom’s number, Paul wasn’t sure. 

“…..Tom?” He paused for a moment, as if building up for a punchline. “Suck my ass.” He hung up, tossing the phone down beside him. 

“Sir, why…” Paul stopped for a moment, letting out a laugh. “What did that serve?” 

“It was voicemail.” 

“That doesn’t really explain… Nevermind. I’m not sure that got the message across though.” 

“FINE.” Tord redialled, holding the phone with his prosthetic. “Hey Tom, we’re getting married tomorrow night and there’s nothing you can do about it okay buh-byyyye~”. He hung up. “Voicemail again, he should pick up his phone more often.” 

“Why do you think he’s gonna show up?” 

“Because he loves me.” 

“We’ve been over this, he doesn’t. At all.” 

“Oh. Well then, we’ll blackmail him.” 

“With what?” 

“We’ll kill Edd if he doesn’t come.” 

“We’ll- what?” 

“We’ll kill Edd.” 

“Since when do we have Edd?” 

“Since he got shoulder cancer and had to be cryogenically frozen.” 

Paul closed the laptop, looking at Tord with more than a little concern. “When did this happen?” 

“I dunno, last week? Two weeks ago?” He shrugged. “I thought you knew.” 

“How would I have known that?!” 

“Well I dunno, PATRYCK, what do you normally do around here?” 

Paul hesitated. “Sir, did you just call me Patryck?” 

“Yeah Patricia, now stop dodging the question. Why do I even employ you? What’s your job?” 

“I mean… Patryck and I are your pilots.” 

“Oh.” Tord thought about this for a moment. “Then why are you asking me such confidential questions?” 

“How do you not know- never mind. Can we please go back to the original topic? How does threatening to kill Edd ensure that Tom’s not gonna assassinate you? Seems to me that would make him less likely to cooperate.” 

“Oh. You’re right.” Tord picked the gun up off the floor, fiddling with the mechanisms. “Well, what would you do?” 

“I mean… I’d try to win Tom over by fixing Edd, if you could convince him to work with you instead of against he could be really valuable. You already know he’s really hard to kill right? You fired a missile at him for Pete’s sake, and he got up like he was fine! He could be really useful in dangerous missions.” 

“True… Alright, new plan. Don’t kill Tom, fix Edd, and make Tom work for us.” 

“What about the wedding? Calling it off?” 

Tord slid back the casing, playing with the bullets inside. “No, I’m gonna marry Tom. We’ll both be wearing dresses, and mine has to be blood orange, make sure it is.” 

“But why… You just said- Nevermind, fine, it’ll happen. There’s absolutely no point, but it’ll happen.” Paul opened his laptop again, sending off several orders around the base. “Do you even know how to fix Edd?” 

“Eeh, the doctors can figure it out. You should know anyway, what are you good for otherwise?” 

“Sir, this is entirely your plan, if I can’t figure something out it’s your fault.” 

“I don’t like your sass. You’re fired.” 

Paul rolled his eyes, not even looking up from the computer screen. “You can’t fire me, I have too much useful information.” The sound of a gun cocking made him glance up, to see Tord aiming the pistol at him. 

“I’ll kill you then.” 

Paul closed the laptop again slowly, keeping eye contact with his boss. “Who’ll command the army then?” 

“I will.” 

“You’ve never commanded the army, you thought it was too boring from the start remember?” 

“Well then… Patryck will do it.” 

“As much as I love Patryck, he doesn’t have a very organizational mind, I wouldn’t recommend that.” 

“Then I’ll… Promote Matt!” 

Paul laughed. “We’ve been over this haven’t we? Matt took over the world and it was terrible, we can’t put him in a leadership role.” 

“Then Tom-“ 

“You really think you and Tom are gonna be able to work together for more than five minutes?” 

“We’re getting married!” 

“And you both hate each other. That’s a terrible plan.” 

Tord shot the gun at the roof, making Paul jump. “FINE I WON’T KILL YOU. But you’re demoted!” 

“To what?!” 

“Pilot.” 

“That’s my job right now!” 

“Well… You’ll be a lower rank then Patryck!” 

“Fine!” Paul raised his hands in mock surrender. “Fine. Do what you want, the wedding, placing imbeciles in charge, that’s fine. But I’m not taking responsibility for it, you need to handle your own responsibilities for once!” 

“I will!” 

“And if I get the wedding set up, you can’t cancel it last second like you always do, you have to follow through with it.” 

“Yes, I will, now get off my backkkkkk” Tord shot at the ceiling again, and Paul winced at the small holes now in the ceiling. 

“Alright, it’s gonna happen then.” Paul grabbed the laptop and headed out of the room. **BANG.** “AND STOP SHOOTING THAT GUN INDOORS!”


End file.
